Sully Erna on Rockline

Oh BTW...check out Sully Erna (singer of Godsmack) live on Rockline on 12/6/2010. He'll be talking about his new solo album Avalon, which is a totally bewitching & amazing auditory journey & really gives me moments of peace & healing during even the darkest of Fibro flares.

Details on www.sullyerna.com

Mwah peeps!

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Bitches Rule!

So, umm yeah...I'm a bitch. No apologies. No regret. It took me a while to get to the point where I was comfy in my bitchiness. I'm not a purposfully mean bitch & I don't go looking to hurt anyone's feelings intentionally. I do pretty much speak my mind & frequently lose my filter which can get me in trouble sometimes. But I've learned that just goes with the bitch territory.

Why am I writing about this?? I don't freaking know! Stop asking me questions! LOL

I will admit that with the Fibro, I have to be careful that I don't turn from a bitch to a cunt - no I don't like that word but it fits. Sometimes the pain & shit gets overwhelming & my bitchiness goes on overdrive. So deal with it...but y'all have my permission to tell me if I've crossed over the cunt-line. That's a weird word (cunt)...why do we hate it so much? *shakes head*

Anyway, back to bitches. I have some wonderfully bitchy friends! And when we combine our bitchy powers...watch the fuck out LMAFO!!

So go ahead. Embrace your inner bitch. Better remember to feed her coffee & chocolate at regular intervals or she'll fuckin take a match to the string on your tampon! ;o)

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Migraines...life's lil mindfuck

So I've had this damned migraine for 4...count 'em 4 freakin days. Everytime I think it's gone...BAM it just comes right on back. What really sucks is that this is, quite possibly, the worst timing ever (not that there's ever a good time for a migraine). I'm in the middle of doing User Acceptance Testing (UAT) on a new system at work & really really need to be able to focus. SIGH!

I know that I'm not the only migraine sufferer out there, but DAMN! I have enough going on...do i really need this too?!

Oh well...I guess I can be thankful that at least I'm not pregnant. LOL, yes that IS how I console myself. AND I'm blessed with the best friends imagineable! Oh & I'm the lucky mom of a pretty chill kid, too. So I'll live.

Really can't wait for the weekend though :o)

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Money Sucks!

OK, let me rephrase that...lack of money sucks. I'm sitting here @ my car dealership & am seriously wondering how the hell much this is gonna cost me. This has been a really tight week because I made a stupid & very big calculation error in my checking account. All i can do is pray that whatever is causing the check-engine light to come on is covered under the warranty!

I hate having to worry so much about money & 'yes' I know that we're all dealing with it. But...it relative. At this point in my life I shouldn't have to freak out about getting even an oil change. All the stress is sooo not helpful with the Fibro pain. So again, *SIGH*

The weather is changing & that's another thing that [ibro has taken from me. I have always loved fall...the colors, crisp weather, the smells. Now, however, I kinda dread it. It just means more pain & drama. I think the overarching feeling I have about Fibro right now is anger. Which leads to depression, which leads to more pain, which leads to despair...all of which makes me more angry. Grrrrr...

I did find out some good news...Cracker Barrel is open for Thanksgiving. I really miss cooking it myself, but I just can't manage it this year. This will be only the second time in my adult life, that I'm not cooking for Thanksgiving. I had to weigh the cost to me physically against the joy of cooking a huge feast for my family. We all kinda voted & it was decided thats its not worth me being physically wasted for 3 or 4 days. I like Cracker Barrel because its comforting & relaxed (& its one of the few places Harley can order something other than turkey).

Its actually kind of a relief to let someone else cook & do the dishes LOL!

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FML! (rant warning)

I wonder sometimes how certain people in my life would handle having Fibro for just one day? Not very well, I think. Dealing with fibro isn't just living with an ache or two. For me, its about surviving an all out attack on every square inch of my body, combined with severe headaches , frequent bouts of depression & the feeling that I'm trying to think through a vat of grey goop.

Tonight, I was undressed & in bed at 6pm because it was a horrible day (that's such a mild word for what I feel). Most of the day I could barely walk or stand up straight. My skin is on fire & I have severe pain in almost every part of my body. A certain family member, with what I realize now was false concern, asked me how I was feeling & what I was doing. I told them that I was in bed because I felt like shit run over by shit. How does this person respond? By asking me to go run an errand for them because they're tired of having their time interrupted...let's not forget that the errand was, in fact important. So I snapped "fine!" Into the phone & hung up on them. AND this person can't possibly fathom why the freaking fuck I'm pissed at them?!

I CHOOSE not to talk to them right now because I know that anything that comes outta my mouth will be nothing less than pure venom. Really...they should be thankful of my silence.

I guess I feel so angry because I was made to feel like what i'm dealing with is sooooo trivial compared to this person's dinner plans. Well, so much for their promises of support & fake shows of consideration. Shit...the next 8 to 10 months are just gonna be so damned much fun *dripping with sarcasm). Someone give me 2x4 so I can knock myself out please!

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Rhett...saaaaave meeee!!!

I've had the same damned migraine for 5 days now. 5 freakish, hellish, agonizing days. So I went to the doctor today to have it dealt with. OMG, I didn't know that they even made needles that big for human use. I ended up getting some kind of cortizone/muscle relaxer injection into the back of my neck where I had muscle spasms (caused by the migraine). Can we allll say OWWWWWWWWIEEEEE!! Not just one poke, but 4 of 'em...count 1, 2, 3, 4. Not fun at all! Hopefully that will help. He said I should get some relief in about 12 hours or so. Blech! I couldn't decide if I wanted to "run like the wind Bullseye" or faint like Scarlet O'Hara when I saw that damned needle. Really? You wanna stick that thing in my f'ing NECK???!!! So, OK...Yes, I'm a damned drama queen when it comes to needles LMAO

Fibro's pretty much the same shit. I'm really, really worried about the coming winter, though. Last winter was horrible. The cold weather seriously made the Fibro go on an all out attack. I was practically crippled. Its embarrassing to say, but I'm fucking terrified. I don't know if I can physically, mentally or emotionally deal with that again. I'm out of FMLA time, so no job protection if I have to be out of work; which pretty much means I have to go...pain or no pain. It sucks to be in the office crying from the pain & limping around like a freaking 90 year old!

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHH...well, one bright spot is that I finally got around to starting a cooking blog. That has really been fun! I love cooking & find it immensely therapeutic (especially when I get to smash & chop things LOL). You can check it out at http://cookingseasy.blogspot.com/ I'd love to have some followers (yep, shameless self promotion LMAO)

Gonna sign off now & go contemplate what kind of mayhem I wanna get into tomorrow.

Peace Out, Peeps!! MWAH

In The Wee Hours...

UGH! I've been trying to sleep for hours now and it's just no use! My body's saying "Yaaawwwwnnn" but my mind is saying "YIPEE!!!" Well crap! These are the moments that make living with Fibro suck a royal one!

My dogs even crapped out on me tonight and are laying there dreaming about hot little poodles ;o)



For anyone who's interested, here's a pic of my dogs (Yawkey & Brady).

A New Hope...

Today's doctor visit went pretty well. He asked tons of questions and answered tons of questions from my mom ;o) The "poke" test was AWFUL. For anyone with Fibro, you're probably well aware of the torture of that particular test. For those that don't know, the doctor applies strong pressure to 18 specific tender points on your body, including your chest, neck, shoulders, lower back, mid back, knees & elbows, etc. I tested positive on all 18...some worse than others. Needless to say, I flinched, screeched, swore & cried...UGH!

But, he did confirm that my case of fibro is pretty bad. He also told me something new...they used to think that the fatigue (CFS) worsened the Fibro and caused a lot of the pain. They now believe it's the opposite...the Fibro is the root cause of the CFS and if you treat the pain, the fatigue will lessen. I really liked him. He kind of reminded me physically of Mel Torme' or a munchkin from The Wizard of Oz. He has a great sense of humor (which I truly appreciate) and was honest and caring. All things this chick appreciates!

The unfortunate thing, is that the "poke" test has set off some serious kick-ass pain. I can barely move now and it just seems to be getting worse as the evening progresses. I can't lay comfortably in my bed...I can't be comfy in any position. He put me on a new med (Cymbalta) & took me off of some, too (YAYY).

I go back to Dr. Papernick in three weeks for a follow up. I'm really looking forward to getting my treatment kicked into high gear.

Oh yeah...THANK YOU and a big MWAHHHHH to all of my friends (RW & FB) for their support and love. My special thanks to Peanut for always being there and never doubting my pain. I love you all more than I can ever say!!!

Word of the Day!
Shananigator: (N) A person who instigates shananigans

WTF is going on?! (Back to the beginning)

In the summer of 2009, my family went through an extremely traumatic experience with one of the kids that we had taken in. To make an extremely long & painful story a little shorter, we found out that he was physically and sexually abusing my 2 Miniature Schnauzers (Yawkey & Brady) amongst other things. The situation deteriorated to the point that we had to get a restraining order against this boy, but still had to live in the house with him until we were finally able to go to court to get his sorry ass evicted (you wouldn't believe how many more rights perpetrators have than victims!).

During this time, I began to experience severe muscle and joint pain. My skin would burn & tingle; I had migraines all the time and would go days & days with no sleep. At first I chalked it up to depression, but I know the difference between the mild achey feeling that comes with depression & the all-inclusive, overwhelming pain that I was in, so finally out of desperation, I went to my doctor. OH, what a freakin' fun time that was! I've never been one to go to the doctor unless I was ill, but all of a sudden I was at his office every darned week. Every visit began something like this..."Let's talk about your mood". MY MOOD!@#$ My mood was tired, frustrated & pissed. I kept telling him that it was more than just my "mood". So they scared the shit out of me and sent me for every test imaginable. I was tested for cancer, AIDS, thyroid, Lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, you name it...I was tested for it.

The kicker was that all the tests kept coming back normal. By this time, I was out of work on medical leave and my family & doctors thought I was either lazy or crazy. The breaking point with my doctor came when he said, once again "I think it's just your mood". BOOM!!! I yelled (well croaked because I had no voice for several months) & replied that if he told me one more time that this was "just my mood" I'd smack him. Luckily for me, he's known me since I was 18 & took it in stride. Finally, he said that there was nothing he could do for me & referred me to a rheumatologist.

Meanwhile, my mom & kids (I had 2 other kids we had taken in at the time) were, by turns, scared, confused and frustrated. I couldn't make myself get up to clean, do laundry or make dinner. I felt like a failure as a mom, a daughter & a friend. I didn't leave the house except to go to doctor's appointments & pretty much avoided even speaking to people. Trying to explain it was too difficult & almost embarassing.

Well, the day that I met with Dr. Manning was amazing. He spent a full hour just talking to me & listened intently to everything I said. Then he told me that I have Fibromyalgia. Not really knowing what that was, I was so relieved to have a name to put to this BS. It really wasn't all in my head. I blubbered on his shoulder for what seemed like forever. He told me that I was completely sane (my kids will argue that LOL) and that he wanted to help me. *insert angelic voices & trumpets here*

Just having someone validate that I really was ill & not crazy was so liberating. Didn't take the pain away, but at least I finally had an answer. I'm still struggling to come to grips with the Fibro and so is my family. After further discussions with Dr. Manning, he figures that I've probably had the Fibro for 5-7 years, but it was kind of sitting there like a gremlin just waiting for a good reason to show itself and the stressful situation we went through was enough to let it out of the cage.