FML! (rant warning)

I wonder sometimes how certain people in my life would handle having Fibro for just one day? Not very well, I think. Dealing with fibro isn't just living with an ache or two. For me, its about surviving an all out attack on every square inch of my body, combined with severe headaches , frequent bouts of depression & the feeling that I'm trying to think through a vat of grey goop.

Tonight, I was undressed & in bed at 6pm because it was a horrible day (that's such a mild word for what I feel). Most of the day I could barely walk or stand up straight. My skin is on fire & I have severe pain in almost every part of my body. A certain family member, with what I realize now was false concern, asked me how I was feeling & what I was doing. I told them that I was in bed because I felt like shit run over by shit. How does this person respond? By asking me to go run an errand for them because they're tired of having their time interrupted...let's not forget that the errand was, in fact important. So I snapped "fine!" Into the phone & hung up on them. AND this person can't possibly fathom why the freaking fuck I'm pissed at them?!

I CHOOSE not to talk to them right now because I know that anything that comes outta my mouth will be nothing less than pure venom. Really...they should be thankful of my silence.

I guess I feel so angry because I was made to feel like what i'm dealing with is sooooo trivial compared to this person's dinner plans. Well, so much for their promises of support & fake shows of consideration. Shit...the next 8 to 10 months are just gonna be so damned much fun *dripping with sarcasm). Someone give me 2x4 so I can knock myself out please!

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Bitch Alert!

I'm so incredibly stressed out!  I'm pretty much one stubbed toe away from a fucking nervous breakdown.  This has been, by far, one of the worst weeks of my entire damned life.  I go to pick up my son's prescription last night and get informed that my insurance "expired" on April 30th...really???!!!  WTF!!!  AND to pick it up would now cost me $459...NOT!  I get to work this morning & go on our benefits website and surprise!! It's not just my prescription benefits but my whole damned medical insurance et al!  Needless to say, after the week I've had I pretty much lost it.  As much as I may complain about my mom, she really is there when I need her.  I sobbed & cried and was so freaking angry!

So anyway, Mom helps me to calm down a little and I waited until the benefits administrator's office opened.  Come to find out it was a problem on their end that occurred back when I was on LOA.  Needless to say, my Fibro's now in full flare mode.  My skin is burning, I can hardly walk & every breath hurts...even the air moving across my skin hurts.  I really, really, really need something good to happen.  Just something small, I'm not asking for miracles or to win Lotto.

I came home & my son shows up 15 minutes later with a friend.  Normally, I wouldn't mind at all, but today I just want to be quiet.  I don't want to have to be polite or make nice.  I'm bitchy, I'm ornery & I'm raring for a fucking fight.  Not a good mix at all.  I don't want to alienate his friends, so I pretty much just suck it up (with some dirty looks thrown Harley's way).  It's not fair to him that his mom can't stand to even be around herself.  So now I feel guilty, which just makes me more bitchy.  UGH...it's a vicious cycle. I'm just so damned tired...

Rhett...saaaaave meeee!!!

I've had the same damned migraine for 5 days now. 5 freakish, hellish, agonizing days. So I went to the doctor today to have it dealt with. OMG, I didn't know that they even made needles that big for human use. I ended up getting some kind of cortizone/muscle relaxer injection into the back of my neck where I had muscle spasms (caused by the migraine). Can we allll say OWWWWWWWWIEEEEE!! Not just one poke, but 4 of 'em...count 1, 2, 3, 4. Not fun at all! Hopefully that will help. He said I should get some relief in about 12 hours or so. Blech! I couldn't decide if I wanted to "run like the wind Bullseye" or faint like Scarlet O'Hara when I saw that damned needle. Really? You wanna stick that thing in my f'ing NECK???!!! So, OK...Yes, I'm a damned drama queen when it comes to needles LMAO

Fibro's pretty much the same shit. I'm really, really worried about the coming winter, though. Last winter was horrible. The cold weather seriously made the Fibro go on an all out attack. I was practically crippled. Its embarrassing to say, but I'm fucking terrified. I don't know if I can physically, mentally or emotionally deal with that again. I'm out of FMLA time, so no job protection if I have to be out of work; which pretty much means I have to go...pain or no pain. It sucks to be in the office crying from the pain & limping around like a freaking 90 year old!

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHH...well, one bright spot is that I finally got around to starting a cooking blog. That has really been fun! I love cooking & find it immensely therapeutic (especially when I get to smash & chop things LOL). You can check it out at http://cookingseasy.blogspot.com/ I'd love to have some followers (yep, shameless self promotion LMAO)

Gonna sign off now & go contemplate what kind of mayhem I wanna get into tomorrow.

Peace Out, Peeps!! MWAH

BFF's Rule!

First let me say...WTF is that weird crap from the last 2 posts? Looks like somethings not translating correctly when I send blog updates via SMS (texts). Grrrr...

Ok, on to better stuff ;o) I had a great night with my BFF Peanut. We went to Stop & Shop to get steaks & potatoes and, like usual, ended up buying out the store LOL!! But dinner & apps were great! We had brie & lotsa garlic melted inside of a pumpernickel round...yum (want a kiss??LOL) and Peanut's homemade salsa to which I'm addicted. We made a homemade "Awesome Blossom" (if you don't know what that is, you cut the top off of a large vidalia onion, take out the middle core & slice in thin strips almost to the bottom, but not all the way. Then you batter it & deep fry it...YUMMO) and our steaks & potatoes. God, were we stuffed.

I almost didn't make it out of there with my leftover salsa. Her daughter, who's home from college for the weekend, was munching on it. LOL, I guess you had to be there to see the humor in it...

I'm so glad that I have Peanut. She's that exceptionally special kind of friend that I can say anything to and she won't bat an eye. As a matter of fact, she'll usually pause for a second & turn it into some kind of sexual reference. It's nice to be able to relax around someone & just be yourself...no expectations, no pressure, no weird rules.

So on another note, I started writing a cookbook for my son. He's in his senior year of high school and has suddenly expressed an interest in learning to cook, especially those things that I make that he loves. So I thought a cookbook that is written plainly and with a sense of humor seemed just the thing. I'm hoping to be able to get it finished by either Christmas or his birthday next spring.

Nothing much changed with the Fibro. Had a rough period with Hurricane Earl passing us by, but that's the norm now I guess. The fatigue still haunts me, as does the insomnia. It's so frustrating to be so damned exhausted but completely unable to sleep! That's what I'm going to discuss with the doc again when I go see him on Wednesday. This mama needs sleep like a skinny chick needs a cupcake!

Lotsa love to everyone & have a great Labor Day weekend!

Thought for the day:
If you pushed your own naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be: A) murder? B) suicide? or C) simply making an obscene clone fall?

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