I've about had it this week!!! Between getting my period, which was so NOT a happy occasion and the Fibro madness and fighting amongst my family...I've just about reached my boiling point! None of this helps keep the Fibro pain from taking over and no one in my house seems willing to try to work together. The house is a damned disaster, laundry's piled up, kids are fighting about anything and everything and my mom is about as unhappy as I've ever seen her. I wish Calgon really could just "take me away".
Today started out so promising, too. Maybe that's why it's so stupidly annoying that it has really gone down the crapper tonight. I got up early & drove my mother to work, got a delicious cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee, did a little shopping then Harley & I went to The Angry Chair (www.theangrychair.com) and we both got our hair cut & colored (I'll post pics of my new hair when I'm sure not to be baring my teeth in anger). Somewhere between coming home & picking up Chinese food all hell broke loose. W-T-F!!!!!!!
UGH, some days I have to remind myself that it would be against the law to strap people to the front of my car & use it like a battering ram ;o) ESPECIALLY when the constant stress of playing mediator eventually causes my Fibro to kick in. God! I can't wait to go see this damned specialist. I need something to manage this pain & fogginess.
Oh by the way, if you know me in the real world, my new hair will probably cause a slight case of panic followed by "what was she thinking". Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis or something, but I just really needed to have a change & boy-oh-boy did I make one! I think I just needed to feel like my old self...spunky & a little bit hard core. LOL Anyway, I'm off to drop the kids off at the movies & then will be dropping myself into bed (finally).
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
The Bitch is IN
So, it’s finally Friday. OMG, I never thought that it would get here. I’m having serious doubts about my 4 day work week set up (I work 4 10-hour days). I switched my day off to Wednesday because I thought it would give me a good break during the week, so I wouldn’t get so tired. BUT, it really is like having a 2nd Monday when I have to go back to work on Thursday…I swear it makes the week feel longer. I don’t know…I’ll give it a few more weeks to see if it eases up, I guess.
This week, particularly Wed – Today have been miserable. We have a little crisis going on at home (nothing for anyone to worry about) and the stress is killing me…literally. Have you ever watched something implode in slow motion? Well, that pretty much sums up how I’m feeling the last few days…like I just want to fold into myself. My upper arms feel like Andre’ the Giant punched me (I keep looking to see if I have bruises, but I don’t) and everything else for the most part feels like I’ve been doused with kerosene and lit on fire. Doesn’t make for being very comfortable.
Of course, the lack of sleep this week has been most enjoyable…NOT! On Tuesday afternoon, I took a class on naming Data Elements in our company’s systems and thought that between the Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS), my head literally nodding & my eyelids feeling like they had 10 lb weights attached to them, I was going to lose my mind. Even Fibro-fog can’t block out that damned RLS, which is kind of a newer symptom that I have to talk to my doc about. FUN for me!! I swear on Tuesday, if I could have, I would have chopped my own legs off with a rusty butterknife!
Sometimes this whole thing gets pretty discouraging. Looking at the big picture, and realizing that I have my whole life to live with this shit really makes me want to rethink my position on Dr. Kevorkian. Oh, don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything stupid (well death-wise anyway LOL), just tired, frustrated & bitchy.
Well, I’m gonna go now. If you see a crazy woman running around plastered with Icy-Hot patches…don’t call the cops…it’s just me ;o)
This week, particularly Wed – Today have been miserable. We have a little crisis going on at home (nothing for anyone to worry about) and the stress is killing me…literally. Have you ever watched something implode in slow motion? Well, that pretty much sums up how I’m feeling the last few days…like I just want to fold into myself. My upper arms feel like Andre’ the Giant punched me (I keep looking to see if I have bruises, but I don’t) and everything else for the most part feels like I’ve been doused with kerosene and lit on fire. Doesn’t make for being very comfortable.
Of course, the lack of sleep this week has been most enjoyable…NOT! On Tuesday afternoon, I took a class on naming Data Elements in our company’s systems and thought that between the Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS), my head literally nodding & my eyelids feeling like they had 10 lb weights attached to them, I was going to lose my mind. Even Fibro-fog can’t block out that damned RLS, which is kind of a newer symptom that I have to talk to my doc about. FUN for me!! I swear on Tuesday, if I could have, I would have chopped my own legs off with a rusty butterknife!
Sometimes this whole thing gets pretty discouraging. Looking at the big picture, and realizing that I have my whole life to live with this shit really makes me want to rethink my position on Dr. Kevorkian. Oh, don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything stupid (well death-wise anyway LOL), just tired, frustrated & bitchy.
Well, I’m gonna go now. If you see a crazy woman running around plastered with Icy-Hot patches…don’t call the cops…it’s just me ;o)
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The Friend Factor
Living with Fibro can feel pretty lonesome at times. Feelings of isolation, combined with the symptoms of Fibro, CFS, IBS, etc can be wickedly overwhelming. When I’m in a full flare, I tend to want to hide myself away from everyone…family, friends, even my doctors. I think I do this for a lot of reasons. I don’t want to depress everyone. I’m afraid they’ll think I’m just whining and truthfully, there are times when just being civil is really a tremendous effort. When I’m in pain, I tend to lash out & morph from my normally bitchiness to the Uber Bitch from Hell. My kids run in fear, even my dogs seem to know.
This is where my friends always seem to shine the brightest. I have one particular friend, we’ll call her Peanut, that is ALWAYS there. She listens to me bitch and complain about my bazillion aches & pains that she has heard countless times before. I can say things to her that I can’t say to anyone else. I think one of the things I appreciate the most is that I don’t have to filter my thoughts with her. She doesn’t get alarmed if I get a little dramatic and doesn’t panic if I cry (although in the beginning, I think she was shocked to know that I COULD cry). She just listens and offers VGH’s (Very Gentle Hugs). I can’t ever, in any way, describe how much she means to me!
What’s funny, is that Peanut & I hated each other for the first 4 or 5 years that we knew each other. I don’t know what really happened, but magically we just…bonded, I guess. We’re extremely different from each other. I love tattoos, heavy metal, beer & pasta salad and she hates them. She likes Rush (the band), white wine & the Phillies (although she does like the Red Sox too so I’ll keep her). She’s the peanut to my butter…ok, yes, that was corny LOL.
I have many other friends, too, like Teresa who lifts me up when I fall down. Teresa seems to know exactly what to say to make me smile & just loves me for me…bitchiness, pain and all. I can’t even begin to name the people who have stood beside me during this…friends in the real world and friends on Facebook. Heather, Aunt Carol, MesaRose, Kelley, Judy my sister in Bitchology, Becky, Evelyn…the list goes on.
Without these treasures in my life, I would have pretty much shriveled up and faded away by now. I know that every one of them would sit beside me in a jail cell saying, “Damn, that was fun!”. I value every single one of them (and hope no one is offended if they weren’t mentioned by name …I’m sure you will be at one time or another). I pray that I’m as good a friend to them and bring them the same love, humor and support that they bring me.
This is where my friends always seem to shine the brightest. I have one particular friend, we’ll call her Peanut, that is ALWAYS there. She listens to me bitch and complain about my bazillion aches & pains that she has heard countless times before. I can say things to her that I can’t say to anyone else. I think one of the things I appreciate the most is that I don’t have to filter my thoughts with her. She doesn’t get alarmed if I get a little dramatic and doesn’t panic if I cry (although in the beginning, I think she was shocked to know that I COULD cry). She just listens and offers VGH’s (Very Gentle Hugs). I can’t ever, in any way, describe how much she means to me!
What’s funny, is that Peanut & I hated each other for the first 4 or 5 years that we knew each other. I don’t know what really happened, but magically we just…bonded, I guess. We’re extremely different from each other. I love tattoos, heavy metal, beer & pasta salad and she hates them. She likes Rush (the band), white wine & the Phillies (although she does like the Red Sox too so I’ll keep her). She’s the peanut to my butter…ok, yes, that was corny LOL.
I have many other friends, too, like Teresa who lifts me up when I fall down. Teresa seems to know exactly what to say to make me smile & just loves me for me…bitchiness, pain and all. I can’t even begin to name the people who have stood beside me during this…friends in the real world and friends on Facebook. Heather, Aunt Carol, MesaRose, Kelley, Judy my sister in Bitchology, Becky, Evelyn…the list goes on.
Without these treasures in my life, I would have pretty much shriveled up and faded away by now. I know that every one of them would sit beside me in a jail cell saying, “Damn, that was fun!”. I value every single one of them (and hope no one is offended if they weren’t mentioned by name …I’m sure you will be at one time or another). I pray that I’m as good a friend to them and bring them the same love, humor and support that they bring me.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Just another Fibro Monday
Well, it's Monday again...damn it :) Another night with less than 3 hours of sleep (again). I, personally, think that Mondays should be illegal! Who the heck thought Monday was a good idea??!!
So, woke up this morning with a headache and the normal aches and pains, I think it took me 20 minutes to get out of bed. LOL, that's actually pretty quick; sometimes it takes me a full half hour to do it. I wonder if we can make that an Olympic sport? Imagine watching that on Monday nights instead of football.
Can't wait to see the new specialist on the 14th. Yes...ANOTHER doctor *sigh* (or as Peanut would say "le sigh"). I'm tired of being poked & prodded even though I know that I need to see them. Hopefully I'll remember what I want to tell the doctor. With the "fog", I don't know. Maybe I should start writing stuff down, but then I'd probably forget where I put the paper or that I even wrote it down at all *shaking head, laughing at self*.
I've been thinking a lot about this blog and what I do and don't want it to be. I don't want it to be just a place to bitch about my pain, etc. or complain about how nobody understand what I'm going through or the anger that I feel when my body betrays me. Not to say that there probably won't be some of that because, truthfully, there are days when that's all I see. I do want this to be about hope and truth and humor in the midst of pain. As Henry Ward Beecher said, "Good humor makes all things tolerable".
I found this quote a couple of years ago...
"When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful". ~Barbara Bloom
Well, hot damn! I should be Cindy f'ing Crawford by now! Just kidding, I really like the idea that the more trials & pain that I manage to survive will just make me that much more of a better person. It's just really hard to see that sometimes, ya know?
So, of to work I go. Let's see if I can remember all my passwords today ROFLMAO
So, woke up this morning with a headache and the normal aches and pains, I think it took me 20 minutes to get out of bed. LOL, that's actually pretty quick; sometimes it takes me a full half hour to do it. I wonder if we can make that an Olympic sport? Imagine watching that on Monday nights instead of football.
Can't wait to see the new specialist on the 14th. Yes...ANOTHER doctor *sigh* (or as Peanut would say "le sigh"). I'm tired of being poked & prodded even though I know that I need to see them. Hopefully I'll remember what I want to tell the doctor. With the "fog", I don't know. Maybe I should start writing stuff down, but then I'd probably forget where I put the paper or that I even wrote it down at all *shaking head, laughing at self*.
I've been thinking a lot about this blog and what I do and don't want it to be. I don't want it to be just a place to bitch about my pain, etc. or complain about how nobody understand what I'm going through or the anger that I feel when my body betrays me. Not to say that there probably won't be some of that because, truthfully, there are days when that's all I see. I do want this to be about hope and truth and humor in the midst of pain. As Henry Ward Beecher said, "Good humor makes all things tolerable".
I found this quote a couple of years ago...
"When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful". ~Barbara Bloom
Well, hot damn! I should be Cindy f'ing Crawford by now! Just kidding, I really like the idea that the more trials & pain that I manage to survive will just make me that much more of a better person. It's just really hard to see that sometimes, ya know?
So, of to work I go. Let's see if I can remember all my passwords today ROFLMAO
Saturday, June 19, 2010
WTF is going on?! (Back to the beginning)
In the summer of 2009, my family went through an extremely traumatic experience with one of the kids that we had taken in. To make an extremely long & painful story a little shorter, we found out that he was physically and sexually abusing my 2 Miniature Schnauzers (Yawkey & Brady) amongst other things. The situation deteriorated to the point that we had to get a restraining order against this boy, but still had to live in the house with him until we were finally able to go to court to get his sorry ass evicted (you wouldn't believe how many more rights perpetrators have than victims!).
During this time, I began to experience severe muscle and joint pain. My skin would burn & tingle; I had migraines all the time and would go days & days with no sleep. At first I chalked it up to depression, but I know the difference between the mild achey feeling that comes with depression & the all-inclusive, overwhelming pain that I was in, so finally out of desperation, I went to my doctor. OH, what a freakin' fun time that was! I've never been one to go to the doctor unless I was ill, but all of a sudden I was at his office every darned week. Every visit began something like this..."Let's talk about your mood". MY MOOD!@#$ My mood was tired, frustrated & pissed. I kept telling him that it was more than just my "mood". So they scared the shit out of me and sent me for every test imaginable. I was tested for cancer, AIDS, thyroid, Lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, you name it...I was tested for it.
The kicker was that all the tests kept coming back normal. By this time, I was out of work on medical leave and my family & doctors thought I was either lazy or crazy. The breaking point with my doctor came when he said, once again "I think it's just your mood". BOOM!!! I yelled (well croaked because I had no voice for several months) & replied that if he told me one more time that this was "just my mood" I'd smack him. Luckily for me, he's known me since I was 18 & took it in stride. Finally, he said that there was nothing he could do for me & referred me to a rheumatologist.
Meanwhile, my mom & kids (I had 2 other kids we had taken in at the time) were, by turns, scared, confused and frustrated. I couldn't make myself get up to clean, do laundry or make dinner. I felt like a failure as a mom, a daughter & a friend. I didn't leave the house except to go to doctor's appointments & pretty much avoided even speaking to people. Trying to explain it was too difficult & almost embarassing.
Well, the day that I met with Dr. Manning was amazing. He spent a full hour just talking to me & listened intently to everything I said. Then he told me that I have Fibromyalgia. Not really knowing what that was, I was so relieved to have a name to put to this BS. It really wasn't all in my head. I blubbered on his shoulder for what seemed like forever. He told me that I was completely sane (my kids will argue that LOL) and that he wanted to help me. *insert angelic voices & trumpets here*
Just having someone validate that I really was ill & not crazy was so liberating. Didn't take the pain away, but at least I finally had an answer. I'm still struggling to come to grips with the Fibro and so is my family. After further discussions with Dr. Manning, he figures that I've probably had the Fibro for 5-7 years, but it was kind of sitting there like a gremlin just waiting for a good reason to show itself and the stressful situation we went through was enough to let it out of the cage.
During this time, I began to experience severe muscle and joint pain. My skin would burn & tingle; I had migraines all the time and would go days & days with no sleep. At first I chalked it up to depression, but I know the difference between the mild achey feeling that comes with depression & the all-inclusive, overwhelming pain that I was in, so finally out of desperation, I went to my doctor. OH, what a freakin' fun time that was! I've never been one to go to the doctor unless I was ill, but all of a sudden I was at his office every darned week. Every visit began something like this..."Let's talk about your mood". MY MOOD!@#$ My mood was tired, frustrated & pissed. I kept telling him that it was more than just my "mood". So they scared the shit out of me and sent me for every test imaginable. I was tested for cancer, AIDS, thyroid, Lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, you name it...I was tested for it.
The kicker was that all the tests kept coming back normal. By this time, I was out of work on medical leave and my family & doctors thought I was either lazy or crazy. The breaking point with my doctor came when he said, once again "I think it's just your mood". BOOM!!! I yelled (well croaked because I had no voice for several months) & replied that if he told me one more time that this was "just my mood" I'd smack him. Luckily for me, he's known me since I was 18 & took it in stride. Finally, he said that there was nothing he could do for me & referred me to a rheumatologist.
Meanwhile, my mom & kids (I had 2 other kids we had taken in at the time) were, by turns, scared, confused and frustrated. I couldn't make myself get up to clean, do laundry or make dinner. I felt like a failure as a mom, a daughter & a friend. I didn't leave the house except to go to doctor's appointments & pretty much avoided even speaking to people. Trying to explain it was too difficult & almost embarassing.
Well, the day that I met with Dr. Manning was amazing. He spent a full hour just talking to me & listened intently to everything I said. Then he told me that I have Fibromyalgia. Not really knowing what that was, I was so relieved to have a name to put to this BS. It really wasn't all in my head. I blubbered on his shoulder for what seemed like forever. He told me that I was completely sane (my kids will argue that LOL) and that he wanted to help me. *insert angelic voices & trumpets here*
Just having someone validate that I really was ill & not crazy was so liberating. Didn't take the pain away, but at least I finally had an answer. I'm still struggling to come to grips with the Fibro and so is my family. After further discussions with Dr. Manning, he figures that I've probably had the Fibro for 5-7 years, but it was kind of sitting there like a gremlin just waiting for a good reason to show itself and the stressful situation we went through was enough to let it out of the cage.
Well This is New
Not too sure how this will work out and what it may or may not grow into. My fight with Fibro/CFS is an ongoing struggle to learn about the disease and also about myself.
My name is Jeannie and I'm a 39 year old mother of a teenaged son, Harley. I decided to start this blog as a way to share my experiences with Fibro and, I guess as a kind of therapy of my own. One thing Fibro has done, is leave me feeling very alone in this fight.
I will warn those who may decide to read this blog, that I tend to be on the sarcastic/snarky side and sometimes the filter on my mouth (fingers?) malfunctions. To my friends & family, I'm known to be pretty opinionated & somewhat bitchy (Peanut you can stop laughing now ;o)...OK, OK...I'm super bitchy and majorly snarky. BUT, I'm also honest & tend to try to see the humor in things...even Fibro.
Well, this should be interesting anyways...
My name is Jeannie and I'm a 39 year old mother of a teenaged son, Harley. I decided to start this blog as a way to share my experiences with Fibro and, I guess as a kind of therapy of my own. One thing Fibro has done, is leave me feeling very alone in this fight.
I will warn those who may decide to read this blog, that I tend to be on the sarcastic/snarky side and sometimes the filter on my mouth (fingers?) malfunctions. To my friends & family, I'm known to be pretty opinionated & somewhat bitchy (Peanut you can stop laughing now ;o)...OK, OK...I'm super bitchy and majorly snarky. BUT, I'm also honest & tend to try to see the humor in things...even Fibro.
Well, this should be interesting anyways...
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