Freezing Fibro

OK, enough of the below freezing temperatures!!!  We had a dusting of snow, here in CT, over a week ago and it's STILL on the ground.  I don't think I have been able to feel my toes for a week LOL!  Enough already!!!  The cold weather really is no friend to those of us who suffer from Fibro.  Everything aches, hurts, stiffens up & even burns.  UGH x 10!!

Well, anyway...I finally got the last of my Christmas shopping done yesterday (WHEW!) and everything is wrapped & ready to go.  I'm paying for it today, though.  I'm having the worst time trying to muster up even a minuscule amount of Christmas spirit this year.  I think, if it was just me, I would ignore it and let Christmas quietly pass on by; but that wouldn't be fair to my son and the rest of my family.  *SIGH* so we'll just act "as-if" for now.

We did (finally) put up a Christmas tree...if you can call it that.  I wasn't up to assembling & decorating the big tree this year so I bought this little tabletop real tree.  OMG!  It's the saddest, ugliest thing I've ever seen *giggles* and it lists ever so slightly to the right.  Harley & I decorated it and decided that we'd deal with it for 1 year.  It was looking so sad & fugly yesterday, so we thought maybe some tinsel would help...NOT!  Now it looks like it's growing hair!  It looks like a shiny Cousin It!!!  The tree has become a huge source of giggles & jokes, though so I think it's worth having, quite possibly the ugliest tree I've ever seen. ;o)

Have a very Merry Christmas everyone!

Here's a pic of the tree pre-tinsel...

Sully Erna on Rockline

Oh BTW...check out Sully Erna (singer of Godsmack) live on Rockline on 12/6/2010. He'll be talking about his new solo album Avalon, which is a totally bewitching & amazing auditory journey & really gives me moments of peace & healing during even the darkest of Fibro flares.

Details on www.sullyerna.com

Mwah peeps!

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Bitches Rule!

So, umm yeah...I'm a bitch. No apologies. No regret. It took me a while to get to the point where I was comfy in my bitchiness. I'm not a purposfully mean bitch & I don't go looking to hurt anyone's feelings intentionally. I do pretty much speak my mind & frequently lose my filter which can get me in trouble sometimes. But I've learned that just goes with the bitch territory.

Why am I writing about this?? I don't freaking know! Stop asking me questions! LOL

I will admit that with the Fibro, I have to be careful that I don't turn from a bitch to a cunt - no I don't like that word but it fits. Sometimes the pain & shit gets overwhelming & my bitchiness goes on overdrive. So deal with it...but y'all have my permission to tell me if I've crossed over the cunt-line. That's a weird word (cunt)...why do we hate it so much? *shakes head*

Anyway, back to bitches. I have some wonderfully bitchy friends! And when we combine our bitchy powers...watch the fuck out LMAFO!!

So go ahead. Embrace your inner bitch. Better remember to feed her coffee & chocolate at regular intervals or she'll fuckin take a match to the string on your tampon! ;o)

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It's wine o'clock

So, I'm sitting here getting a nice buzz on with a bottle of red wine...I think the label said Petit Serah, but who the heck cares at this point.  It was a crazy week at work, stressful so that kicked in my fibro to high-gear...hence the bottle of wine.  I just want to feel my body relax at least for just one night, Oh don't freak out....I'm not an alcoholic - I just needed to de-stress tonight.

It feels pretty damned good though to feel a little numb, I just wish the keyboard would stand still dammit! LOL I'll probably be crashing in a few minutes, I can't hold my liquor the way I used to when I was younger.  A few glasses of wine & I'm done.  But thank God for the woman who stepped on the first grape & discovered wine...yummmm.

I probably should sign off before I start writing drunken poetry or some drivel like that.  Much love to everyone who has loved & supported me through this hellacious week...ILY!!

Toodles!!

Godsmack - Why (Studio Version)

Migraines...life's lil mindfuck

So I've had this damned migraine for 4...count 'em 4 freakin days. Everytime I think it's gone...BAM it just comes right on back. What really sucks is that this is, quite possibly, the worst timing ever (not that there's ever a good time for a migraine). I'm in the middle of doing User Acceptance Testing (UAT) on a new system at work & really really need to be able to focus. SIGH!

I know that I'm not the only migraine sufferer out there, but DAMN! I have enough going on...do i really need this too?!

Oh well...I guess I can be thankful that at least I'm not pregnant. LOL, yes that IS how I console myself. AND I'm blessed with the best friends imagineable! Oh & I'm the lucky mom of a pretty chill kid, too. So I'll live.

Really can't wait for the weekend though :o)

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It's been awhile...

I know...i'm a baaaaad blogger.  It's been a while since I've posted...well, it's been a while since I've even felt able to post.  I've been in a horrible funk.  Don't wanna post, don't wanna talk..just wanna sleep (which, of course, I never do) and cry.  It's been an incredibly stressful couple of months!

We had some crazy shit happen with my Mother, which really is her story to tell, not mine; but suffice it to say - the stress pretty much crippled me.  Really, the only thing that kept me sane was putting on my i-pod & drowning myself in my music...Godsmack, Killswitch Engage, Slipknot, All That Remains, Sully Erna's Avalon, etc - they were my lifeline (well along with my besties :o)

It's not just me, though, it seems like everyone I know is going through some kind of overly dramatic, stressful situation.  Weird!  So, I send big, messy smooches & hugs to all my friends wherever they may be & whatever they are going through.

So on the Fibro front - my doc tried me on Trazadone for sleep - well that was a resounding NO. Had the same damned reaction that I had to the Lyrica...it waaaayyyy over sedated me and gave me horrific nightmares (the kind that keep you awake & afraid to close your eyes). SIGHHHHH...it seems we're back to square one!  That was very discouraging.  I seem to have trouble with pretty much every med he tries.  This fucking cold weather isn't helping either!  It seemed to come on so quickly.  I'm a bit scared about what this winter will bring - that's when I kind of fell apart (fibro wise) last year.

Well, I'm gonna sign off for the night & chat with my bff Peanut about the travesty that is our lives LMAO.

I think I found the cure for stupidity...a shock collar...if it doesn't stop the stupidity at least you can get a laugh from watching them flail around..LMAO

Godsmack - Whatever

Godsmack - Batalla De Los Tambores

Godsmack - Moon Baby

Soooo Tired!!

Well, it's been a while since I wrote.  I've been in the middle of a huge Fibro flare that just wouldn't let up for even a minute.  It's been all I can do to make it through the days at work.  I hate the fogginess that comes with these flares.  I'm so damned forgetful & scatter-brained!!  To top it off, I came down with the flu this week.  I can't tell where the Fibro ends & the flu begins...except for the 105 degree fevers :o(

I'll resume my regular posting once this is over & I can stand to sit at my computer for more than 10 minutes at a time and when my brain wants to work.  Much love to all of my friends & family who've been so super supportive...I love you all!!!

Sully Erna - Sinner's Prayer

Love the Sully ;o)

Oh No...not again!

Crap!  I think I'm getting sick.  My chest feels heavy & I've got horrible post-nasal drip & my throat hurts.  I know it's going around, but I really, really, really don't want to be sick.  I can't afford it physically, mentally, emotionally or financially.  When I had bronchitis last winter, it kicked my fibro into high-gear & OMG!!!

I wonder if I can get a bubble helmet...like the boy in the bubble?  Just for the winter LOL

Money Sucks!

OK, let me rephrase that...lack of money sucks. I'm sitting here @ my car dealership & am seriously wondering how the hell much this is gonna cost me. This has been a really tight week because I made a stupid & very big calculation error in my checking account. All i can do is pray that whatever is causing the check-engine light to come on is covered under the warranty!

I hate having to worry so much about money & 'yes' I know that we're all dealing with it. But...it relative. At this point in my life I shouldn't have to freak out about getting even an oil change. All the stress is sooo not helpful with the Fibro pain. So again, *SIGH*

The weather is changing & that's another thing that [ibro has taken from me. I have always loved fall...the colors, crisp weather, the smells. Now, however, I kinda dread it. It just means more pain & drama. I think the overarching feeling I have about Fibro right now is anger. Which leads to depression, which leads to more pain, which leads to despair...all of which makes me more angry. Grrrrr...

I did find out some good news...Cracker Barrel is open for Thanksgiving. I really miss cooking it myself, but I just can't manage it this year. This will be only the second time in my adult life, that I'm not cooking for Thanksgiving. I had to weigh the cost to me physically against the joy of cooking a huge feast for my family. We all kinda voted & it was decided thats its not worth me being physically wasted for 3 or 4 days. I like Cracker Barrel because its comforting & relaxed (& its one of the few places Harley can order something other than turkey).

Its actually kind of a relief to let someone else cook & do the dishes LOL!

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Can't wait! wheeeeeee

OK I'm sitting in front of The Angry Chair & it just occurred to me...I freaking luv getting my hair done! It's like Christmas & chocolate combined LOL. I'll post pics later on. *happy sigh* - I'm such a girl ;o)

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I've got big butt and I cannot lie...

Hey everyone!  First & foremost let me give a shout out to Juan Valdez & that little donkey that helps him carry the beans!  What would life be without coffee??!!

Thank God!  My mom & I mended fences, so to speak.  So that's a huge stresser that's lifted.  I"m feeling pretty damned good today (with the exception of the usual aches & pains ;o) 


I'm glad to be out of that funk.  I hate being so angry & frustrated...its just not me.  I'd much rather be making making my friends giggle at my sarcastic bitchiness ;o)  I'm looking on the bright side today & looking forward to the day ahead of me.  I've got a haircut scheduled around 11 this morning with my hair magician, Lara at The Angry Chair; then I'm off to my BFF Peanut's house for some much needed girl time...complete with booze, LOTSA giggling & snarkiness and some yummy food!  CAN"T WAIT!!







To all my peeps...


I love you all with my whole butt!!!  
(I'd say my heart but my butt's bigger ;o) 

FML! (rant warning)

I wonder sometimes how certain people in my life would handle having Fibro for just one day? Not very well, I think. Dealing with fibro isn't just living with an ache or two. For me, its about surviving an all out attack on every square inch of my body, combined with severe headaches , frequent bouts of depression & the feeling that I'm trying to think through a vat of grey goop.

Tonight, I was undressed & in bed at 6pm because it was a horrible day (that's such a mild word for what I feel). Most of the day I could barely walk or stand up straight. My skin is on fire & I have severe pain in almost every part of my body. A certain family member, with what I realize now was false concern, asked me how I was feeling & what I was doing. I told them that I was in bed because I felt like shit run over by shit. How does this person respond? By asking me to go run an errand for them because they're tired of having their time interrupted...let's not forget that the errand was, in fact important. So I snapped "fine!" Into the phone & hung up on them. AND this person can't possibly fathom why the freaking fuck I'm pissed at them?!

I CHOOSE not to talk to them right now because I know that anything that comes outta my mouth will be nothing less than pure venom. Really...they should be thankful of my silence.

I guess I feel so angry because I was made to feel like what i'm dealing with is sooooo trivial compared to this person's dinner plans. Well, so much for their promises of support & fake shows of consideration. Shit...the next 8 to 10 months are just gonna be so damned much fun *dripping with sarcasm). Someone give me 2x4 so I can knock myself out please!

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Bitch Alert!

I'm so incredibly stressed out!  I'm pretty much one stubbed toe away from a fucking nervous breakdown.  This has been, by far, one of the worst weeks of my entire damned life.  I go to pick up my son's prescription last night and get informed that my insurance "expired" on April 30th...really???!!!  WTF!!!  AND to pick it up would now cost me $459...NOT!  I get to work this morning & go on our benefits website and surprise!! It's not just my prescription benefits but my whole damned medical insurance et al!  Needless to say, after the week I've had I pretty much lost it.  As much as I may complain about my mom, she really is there when I need her.  I sobbed & cried and was so freaking angry!

So anyway, Mom helps me to calm down a little and I waited until the benefits administrator's office opened.  Come to find out it was a problem on their end that occurred back when I was on LOA.  Needless to say, my Fibro's now in full flare mode.  My skin is burning, I can hardly walk & every breath hurts...even the air moving across my skin hurts.  I really, really, really need something good to happen.  Just something small, I'm not asking for miracles or to win Lotto.

I came home & my son shows up 15 minutes later with a friend.  Normally, I wouldn't mind at all, but today I just want to be quiet.  I don't want to have to be polite or make nice.  I'm bitchy, I'm ornery & I'm raring for a fucking fight.  Not a good mix at all.  I don't want to alienate his friends, so I pretty much just suck it up (with some dirty looks thrown Harley's way).  It's not fair to him that his mom can't stand to even be around herself.  So now I feel guilty, which just makes me more bitchy.  UGH...it's a vicious cycle. I'm just so damned tired...

Rhett...saaaaave meeee!!!

I've had the same damned migraine for 5 days now. 5 freakish, hellish, agonizing days. So I went to the doctor today to have it dealt with. OMG, I didn't know that they even made needles that big for human use. I ended up getting some kind of cortizone/muscle relaxer injection into the back of my neck where I had muscle spasms (caused by the migraine). Can we allll say OWWWWWWWWIEEEEE!! Not just one poke, but 4 of 'em...count 1, 2, 3, 4. Not fun at all! Hopefully that will help. He said I should get some relief in about 12 hours or so. Blech! I couldn't decide if I wanted to "run like the wind Bullseye" or faint like Scarlet O'Hara when I saw that damned needle. Really? You wanna stick that thing in my f'ing NECK???!!! So, OK...Yes, I'm a damned drama queen when it comes to needles LMAO

Fibro's pretty much the same shit. I'm really, really worried about the coming winter, though. Last winter was horrible. The cold weather seriously made the Fibro go on an all out attack. I was practically crippled. Its embarrassing to say, but I'm fucking terrified. I don't know if I can physically, mentally or emotionally deal with that again. I'm out of FMLA time, so no job protection if I have to be out of work; which pretty much means I have to go...pain or no pain. It sucks to be in the office crying from the pain & limping around like a freaking 90 year old!

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHH...well, one bright spot is that I finally got around to starting a cooking blog. That has really been fun! I love cooking & find it immensely therapeutic (especially when I get to smash & chop things LOL). You can check it out at http://cookingseasy.blogspot.com/ I'd love to have some followers (yep, shameless self promotion LMAO)

Gonna sign off now & go contemplate what kind of mayhem I wanna get into tomorrow.

Peace Out, Peeps!! MWAH

BFF's Rule!

First let me say...WTF is that weird crap from the last 2 posts? Looks like somethings not translating correctly when I send blog updates via SMS (texts). Grrrr...

Ok, on to better stuff ;o) I had a great night with my BFF Peanut. We went to Stop & Shop to get steaks & potatoes and, like usual, ended up buying out the store LOL!! But dinner & apps were great! We had brie & lotsa garlic melted inside of a pumpernickel round...yum (want a kiss??LOL) and Peanut's homemade salsa to which I'm addicted. We made a homemade "Awesome Blossom" (if you don't know what that is, you cut the top off of a large vidalia onion, take out the middle core & slice in thin strips almost to the bottom, but not all the way. Then you batter it & deep fry it...YUMMO) and our steaks & potatoes. God, were we stuffed.

I almost didn't make it out of there with my leftover salsa. Her daughter, who's home from college for the weekend, was munching on it. LOL, I guess you had to be there to see the humor in it...

I'm so glad that I have Peanut. She's that exceptionally special kind of friend that I can say anything to and she won't bat an eye. As a matter of fact, she'll usually pause for a second & turn it into some kind of sexual reference. It's nice to be able to relax around someone & just be yourself...no expectations, no pressure, no weird rules.

So on another note, I started writing a cookbook for my son. He's in his senior year of high school and has suddenly expressed an interest in learning to cook, especially those things that I make that he loves. So I thought a cookbook that is written plainly and with a sense of humor seemed just the thing. I'm hoping to be able to get it finished by either Christmas or his birthday next spring.

Nothing much changed with the Fibro. Had a rough period with Hurricane Earl passing us by, but that's the norm now I guess. The fatigue still haunts me, as does the insomnia. It's so frustrating to be so damned exhausted but completely unable to sleep! That's what I'm going to discuss with the doc again when I go see him on Wednesday. This mama needs sleep like a skinny chick needs a cupcake!

Lotsa love to everyone & have a great Labor Day weekend!

Thought for the day:
If you pushed your own naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be: A) murder? B) suicide? or C) simply making an obscene clone fall?

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Hi everyone. This has been a pretty shitty week. I feel so down in the dumps that I can't even summon any sarcasm...I know, its scares me too.

Hi peeps...just trying out my mobile blogger capabilities lol

Are you sure this is my life???

So, haven't written in a while. Not too much going on with the Fibro - same shit different day. The tiredness is becoming a little overwhelming. I get so damned frustrated that I can't do the things I want to do when I want to do them.

Anyway, on to better thoughts. I think I've had enough of the single life. I've distanced myself from a lot of my "old crew" which means that I have to figure out the whole dating thing again. YUCK, LOL. All I know is that I want a guy who is comfortable enough in his own masculinity that he's not threatened by my independence. Well, I guess I'd like one who shares the same love of music & family, too (several nice, sexy tattoos wouldn't hurt either ;o) All I really have to offer is myself. I'm not rich or beautiful or even completely sane. I come with baggage & I've been known to be bitchy once or twice (jeez, that lightening strike was awfully close LOL). But I do have a big capacity to love. As my bestie, Peanut would say...Le Sigh!!

I guess I'm just tired of relying on myself all the time and would really appreciate someone to lean on now & then (which is really hard for me to do) and the opportunity to be leaned upon (LOL, that can be taken soooo many ways). Shit, I didn't know that I felt this strongly...I'm sitting here tearing up dammit (I hate crying). Life as a single mom can be a little lonely sometimes. It's strange to feel lonely when you have a houseful of teenagers tramping in & out but...well, there it is.

OK, I'm gonna sign off before I get anymore mushy & sloppy ;o)

Lotsa luv to all my peeps!

Insomnia Express

SIGH...I can't sleep. Big surprise. Problem is this is the 4th night in a row and my brain is screaming that it wants to sleep, but like a toddler...it just won't give in. My body isn't cooperating any better. I lay there & I can feel the darned sheet brush against my skin, which used to be such a nice feeling. You know...nice crisp, cool sheets, that perfect cool spot on the pillow? Now they're just irritants, they feel like sandpaper every night. I've tried every fabric known to man & they're all the same.

So, I got up & stormed downstairs, pissed at the world after torturing myself for 3 1/2 hours. I was so pissed that I cleaned most of my kitchen & cleaned out my fridge while I was at it. I'm soooo gonna regret that one in the morning LOL. Meanwhile, my poor dog is looking at me like he's afraid his mommy has finally lost her last marble and he keeps peeking surreptitiously around the room as if pink penguins are gonna come and steal his little stub of a tail any minute now. ;o)

Well...my cleaning fit finally wound down & I made my self a glass of iced tea to try to calm myself down. Eventually, I'll just "shut down". My brain & body will literally almost turn off & I'll probably sleep for a whole day. Strangely enough, that's usually not really restful. Most of the time, when that happens, I wake up groggy & feel like someone doped me.

I guess I'll sign off now, not much more to say before I get REALLY melancholy, LOL.

Is this the Droid you're looking for?

So the Lyrica is finally gone. Woot!!! That was definitely not a fun time. The Fibro pain is kind of flip-flopping. Some days are OK, some days positively suck...in other words} same shit-different day LOL. I have to give kudos to my son though. He was a real trooper during that whole ordeal. I think it scared him to see me so disoriented and almost frail. He was a HUGE help to me and really played his "A" game (MWAH, Harley!).

Things are pretty much status quo at home. Getting ready to send Harley off to his senior year of High School. Where the hell did the time go. It seems like not so long ago we were buying Spongebob Squarepants lunchboxes & now we're buying Tripp pants & Black Veiled Bride t-shirts for school. SIGH...it goes by so freaking fast!!! BUT, I do have to say, it's been one helluva ride & I've got one helluva wicked great kid!! How many other mom's get Rob Zombie CD's for Christmas & can go to the same concerts with their sons?? It's great to be able to go music shopping with him at Hot Topic & see the faces of the store clerks *evil grin*.

So, my news?? I got a new smart phone - The LG Ally. It's one of the Droid phones and is uber cool. It does more things than my friggin computer, I think. Now if I can just figure out where the hell my text messages are & my voice mail I'll be all set ROFLMAO.

Thought for the day:

Skinny girls are for wimps!! Embrace your fluffiness!

Lyrica Schmyrica

Well, I found out that I'm not a good candidate for Lyrica. I was on the lowest dose for about 5 days and it made me dizzy, lightheaded & extremely sleepy. My doc took me off of it today, thank GOD! I was a little scared, not knowing what was making that happen. It was like walking upside down through a bowl of jello. I do tend to react strongly to certain meds, and YAY ME, Lyrica is one of them...well POOH! Thankfully the doc said that the side effects should be gone in about 24-36 hours. WHEW!

K...going back to sleep now. Just wanted to letcha know ;o)

BLEARGH!!!

Just a short post today. I feel like shit covered in shit. I'm pretty sure it's just the break-in period with the new meds, but OMG! it's crazy. I'm dizzy as hell, I have this horrible taste in my mouth, I'm super exhausted & my cognitive skills have jumped out the friggin' window! Oh yeah, let's not forget the fucking hot flashes. This has been going on since Thursday. I was hoping that by today (Sunday) I would have adjusted, but it looks like luck is not gonna be on my side. I'm supposed to go out with my friend for coffee & wedding shopping today but I don't know. Everytime I stand up the room spins.

I know in my head that this will eventually go away, but right now it makes me want to cry & bury my head in my pillow. YUCK!!

Life is NOT like a box of chocolates!

Chocolate is good & yummy and you always look forward to more. Life...well, life just sucks sometimes. I've never met a shitty chocolate...ever!

Today is one of those damned days that I wish would just disappear into oblivion. I look at my mom & grandmother and wonder what I'll be like by the ages of 60 or 80? This fibro-shit isn't getting any better. Will I be in a wheelchair drooling all over myself? Will I progress from a snarky bitch to a bitter cunt? SIGHHHHHH...some day's it just doesn't pay to think at all.

Thank GOD for my friends & family; because without them I might just give in to this. I just want to have a good day now & then. But that doesn't seem to be in the cards right now. Just when I think I've had all the crap I can handle, more crap piles on. Between the fibro, chronic fatigue (CFS), IBS, restless leg syndrome (RLS) the eye infection, hands swelling up & itching, breaking out in hives & my hair seeming to thin out, I wonder...WTF!!!!!! Leave me the fuck alone already. I don't need any more!

They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I say, BULLSHIT! I should be fucking Conan the Barbarian by now. Yick, I think I'm making myself more depressed. I really think I could use a Wonder Woman costume and the invisible jet wouldn't be a bad addition, too. Or maybe I should do the invisible man thing (woman?). That way I could just fade into the background for a while.

I know this is kind of random and my thoughts are spilling out all over the place. Bear with me. I'll climb out of the funk, eventually. My love and prayers go out to all of my friends & family who have to deal with me and my support also goes out to all of my fellow Fibro Warriors ((HUGS)).

MWAH!

Bite Me is not a threat...it's a good time ;o)

Ever feel like you're watching your life from the outside-in? That's what I've felt like the last couple of days. Had a rough day with my son yesterday. Nothing serious, but it kind of blew up into a volcano of stupidity (mostly on my part). I hate that the Fibro pain not only attacks me physically, but emotionally as well. I hate that I blow up over the small stuff and don't feel equipped to handle even the most mundane parental matters sometimes. I'm sitting here looking at a bottle of diet root beer wishing it didn't say "root" ;o) I could really use a drink, vacation, whatever.

Tomorrow's another visit to my Fibro doc. Wonder what good stuff that visit will bring?? hmmmm??? I guess I'm not feeling all that optimistic tonight. What I really feel like doing is kick-boxing or some of that stuff on MMA. Not that I wouldn't totally pay for it after, but it would feel really good to shove my foot in someone's face with great force (preferably some stupid idiot with giant tribal tattoos) and hear that satisfying "smoosh" sound. Ahh, well...I guess it's a good thing I'm already in my PJ's LOL!

On a slightly funny note: I took my dogs to the groomers yesterday and Yawkey (the black one) had muck stuck in his beard and they had to cut it all off. OMG! He looks like either a miniature Doberman or a giant Chihuahua...mwahahahahaha!!!! I love our groomer, Brenda! She's the bestest! ;o)

Well, I'm gonna go try that elusive thing known as sleep (ha-ha-ha). Love ya peeps!!

Quote for the day:

I have a "carpe diem" mug and truthfully, at six in the morning, the words do not make me want to seize the day. They make me want to slap a dead poet. ~Joanne Sherman

The Eyes Have It

My eyes finally got so red and irritated that I broke down & called my ophthalmologist who proceeded to scare the shit out of me. What finally broke the camel's back was that my right eye was very blurry when I got up on Friday and didn't get any better after I had my 2nd cup of coffee ;o) So when I called & explained what was happening, they told me that because I'm diabetic I needed to be seen asap because it sounded very serious. YIKES!!! Freaked me the hell out!!! So I went & found out that I have some kind of strange bacterial infection in both eyes. WTH! It's something that could only happen to me LOL.

I'm on antibiotic eye drops for 14 days now (they're milky & gross). I hate putting eye drops in, I usually manage to get them on my forehead, cheeks, temples...anywhere but actually in my eye. YUCK. What next, I wonder?!

Well...at least he said my inner eye is nice & clear (beautiful he actually said LOL) so no glaucoma or other creepy eye stuff.

OH, OH, OH!!! I'm so excited I almost forgot...one of my BFF's is engaged!!! I'm so damned happy for her & it's nice to see that "glow" on her face.

My wish for you:
May the birds of paradise shit on the cornflakes of the next person who pisses you off-fa-fa!!!

Fibro-Fizzle

I swear some days my brain turns to mush. Not the normal mush like mashed potatoes or pudding, but the grey, lumpy, watery, icky mush that just kind of sits there. I've been sitting here in front of my computer for a half hour trying to think of what I wanted to write and truthfully...nothing...absolutely nothing. I'm blank today.

It's been an OK week, although I over-did it a little bit yesterday. Drove some friends home when their car broke down in the morning, came home picked up my son & the broken cable box, drove to the cable company to switch the box, went to the movies (more on that later), grocery store, helped Harley cook dinner (again, more later) then went & met another friend for coffee. I think I spent the entire damned day in the car. It was great seeing my friends & spending time with Harley but I'm paying for it today. My legs, neck and arms are on fire!! It's like Fibro smacks you in the face for having a good day. *SIGH* it's bullshit!

Harley & I went to see Inception with Leonardo DiCaprio...the end's a total mind fuck! LOL Go see it!

I did get a break from cooking dinner 2 days in a row. Christopher cooked chicken, garlic pasta & made a salad (which was great, although he cried & gagged while eating it LOL) on Tuesday. Yesterday, Harley made homemade Mac & Cheese and Dirt Cups...YUMM. They both did really good & I'm proud of them for making the effort. ;o)

My mom's in a funk again, so that's a little stressful. Don't know exactly what's going on with her right now. She worries me...A LOT.

On the Fibro front, the new meds aren't really making a hill of freakin beans of difference so far. What I'd really like is a vicodin the size of a Fava bean! I need a damned break from the pain & insomnia before I go completely & utterly insane. I see the doc next Wednesday, so hopefully he can do something.

Here's your thought for the day:

If vibrators could light the BBQ & kill spiders in the bathtub, would we really need men at all??

Luv ya everyone!

Doan wanna...

BIG SIGH...I don't want to go to work. It feels like a thousand pound balloon is trying to explode inside my head and my eyes are still red & blurry. I have a billion things to do at work, thing I like doing actually, if I can just get my head to stop pounding like an African drum!!! I really, really wish that the fucking weather would just level out for a while. All of the wild fluctuations, wickedly high humidity & thunderstorms are playing havoc with the Fibro and makes for a very bitchy Jeannie. It's def gonna be a multi-coffee kind of day.

On a good note, my ROUS' (Rodents of Unusual Size...aka, my teenage boys) have been getting along GREAT and that makes me freaking ecstatic!!! And props to my mom for putting together and hanging the new shelf in the bathroom! That was a H-U-G-E breakthrough for her (she's a little intimidated by construction LOL). Now if only we could make a breakthrough with the boys that there is NOT a toilet paper changing faerie ;o)

Well, I'm off to the demonic realm that holds my paycheck hostage (insert snorting giggles here).

In The Wee Hours...

UGH! I've been trying to sleep for hours now and it's just no use! My body's saying "Yaaawwwwnnn" but my mind is saying "YIPEE!!!" Well crap! These are the moments that make living with Fibro suck a royal one!

My dogs even crapped out on me tonight and are laying there dreaming about hot little poodles ;o)



For anyone who's interested, here's a pic of my dogs (Yawkey & Brady).

Sunday Night Musings

I have a love/hate relationship with Sunday nights. I like that my kids are home with me, but I hate that I have to go to work tomorrow morning. It's not that I hate my job, I like what I do. The stress and the pain that comes with going into the office is what gets me. Between the wild temperature fluctuations during the day (it's hot in the morning, cold in the early afternoon, hot again in the later afternoon), the pain that sitting at my work computer causes & having to pretend that everything's all sunshiny and rosy just makes for a very long workweek. I am lucky to have a couple of really good friends there that are super supportive and are among the few that I don't have to pretend with. Thank GOD for them!!!

The weekend has been pretty good. Friday night I spent some quality time with my son watching The Iron Giant (mmmm, Robert Downey Jr is HOT). I hung out with my friends, Peanut & Gwendy on Saturday night. We had a ball trash-talking, cooking & eating yummy munchies. It's always fun to hang with my girls ;o)

Not much new on the Fibro front today. Pretty much more of the same old/same old. Well...maybe one new thing that I have to ask the doc about. My hands keep swelling up, getting really red & itchy beyond belief and I keep breaking out in hives. Never happened before and I haven't changed anything...using the same detergents, soap, etc. SIGH...


My thought for the day:

Alarm Clock: An EVIL device created by Satan!

The Sweet Sound of Friday!

Yayyyyy!!! It's Friday! Of course, it's a little tarnished listening to one of my kids bitch about the dogs...AGAIN. SIGH

It's been a long week that I'm not sad to see the backside of. The fibro really kicked my butt this week, especially after the doctor's appointment and I swear everyone in my house is PMS-ing!!! Gaaaahhhhhh!!! Makes me wanna run away to Jamaica, change my name to Juanita,put on a Sombrero & sell shell necklaces to the tourists. The pain makes me want to shut everyone up with a rusty spoon, though, so I have to remember to take deep breaths LOL!

I really, really, really don't like the fatigue that I have pretty much every day. It's like someone's tied weights on to all of my extremities & made me run 5 miles. It's so frustrating to want to do things & not be able to. I find it very strange and annoying that I'm so extremely tired, but can't seem to find that mythical place called "Sleep". I've tried everything...

Counting Sheep...they finally ran away.
Warm milk...made me want to puke.
Reading a book...gave me a headache.
TV on...eyes keep popping open to make sure that the Shamwow guy hasn't come on (eww)
TV off...Keep wondering if I'm missing the GT Express 101 Commercial

It's an endless cycle.


.★´*。.☆¨¯`*★。。☆.★´*。.☆¨¯`*★。。☆
Through adversity there is redemption
With passion, fighting, I am unbroken!!

Killswitch Engage (from Unbroken)
.★´*。.☆¨¯`*★。。☆.★´*。.☆¨¯`*★。。☆

A New Hope...

Today's doctor visit went pretty well. He asked tons of questions and answered tons of questions from my mom ;o) The "poke" test was AWFUL. For anyone with Fibro, you're probably well aware of the torture of that particular test. For those that don't know, the doctor applies strong pressure to 18 specific tender points on your body, including your chest, neck, shoulders, lower back, mid back, knees & elbows, etc. I tested positive on all 18...some worse than others. Needless to say, I flinched, screeched, swore & cried...UGH!

But, he did confirm that my case of fibro is pretty bad. He also told me something new...they used to think that the fatigue (CFS) worsened the Fibro and caused a lot of the pain. They now believe it's the opposite...the Fibro is the root cause of the CFS and if you treat the pain, the fatigue will lessen. I really liked him. He kind of reminded me physically of Mel Torme' or a munchkin from The Wizard of Oz. He has a great sense of humor (which I truly appreciate) and was honest and caring. All things this chick appreciates!

The unfortunate thing, is that the "poke" test has set off some serious kick-ass pain. I can barely move now and it just seems to be getting worse as the evening progresses. I can't lay comfortably in my bed...I can't be comfy in any position. He put me on a new med (Cymbalta) & took me off of some, too (YAYY).

I go back to Dr. Papernick in three weeks for a follow up. I'm really looking forward to getting my treatment kicked into high gear.

Oh yeah...THANK YOU and a big MWAHHHHH to all of my friends (RW & FB) for their support and love. My special thanks to Peanut for always being there and never doubting my pain. I love you all more than I can ever say!!!

Word of the Day!
Shananigator: (N) A person who instigates shananigans

Here we go again...

Well, I'm off to ANOTHER doctor's appointment. I feel a mix of excitement and trepidation...common feelings for Fibro warriors. Sometimes it seems that doctors are both the answer and the enemy. While I'm looking forward to new treatments & hopefully some measure of relief...I'm not looking forward to being poked & prodded and placed under a microscope (again). On top of it, it's raining...*SIGH* I've come to hate the rain...it magnifies the pain.

My mother decided that she should go with me to this appointment. Again, mixed feelings on my part. I'm glad that she's interested and wants to learn more and be supportive. On the other hand, she seems to feel like she's supposed to administer "tough love". I'm 39 fucking years old, for Mike's sake!!! I think I know when my body is telling me to cut the shit. I really don't need anybody coming at me like a Sunday morning TV evangelist preaching "name it & claim it". Don't get me wrong, I love my mom & appreciate everything she does, but I'm not a freakin' 10 year old with a splinter!!

If I'm up to it this afternoon, I'll post an update on how it went.

Pain, Pain, Go Away!!

Ok, Fibro sucks! Really sucks! Not just normal sucks…it freakin’ fucking sucks!!!

I’m tired of feeling crappy & shitty every single damned day! It seems like everytime I have a good day, it’s followed by three or four really sucky days. I had a pretty good morning today, I was up early, felt reasonably good & took my son out for a bit. On the way home, it started. First it was my upper back, then my hips & finally my legs joined the Fibro party. On top of it, the IBS has kicked in and my tummy is having a conversation with itself.

This is one of the things about Fibro that really frustrates me. I wanted to do so much today…grocery shopping, visit my friend Heather & clean the bathroom. Well, it doesn’t look like I’m going to be doing any of that now. I’m struggling to even have the energy to type this (so pardon any bloopers that may show up). I know my kids & mother get frustrated when I’m like this. I just wanna curl up in a ball & cry myself to sleep (if I could actually sleep instead of just laying there wishing I could).

I love my friends & truly appreciate all of the caring and love that they show me, but there are days when I feel like if one more person asks me “Are you doing OK???” that I just want to shout back…”You want an honest answer, OK then. I'm not OK and I haven't been for a long time and don’t think I’m gonna be…ever”. But I know that would hurt them and I don’t want that so I usually just smile & say that I’m fine. Yep, I’m a bitch, but I do love my friends LOL I know that I’m kind of all over the place today (you can blame the Fibro Fog) and a just a wee bit whiny…sorry.

Life gave me lemons - tried to make lemonade - cut my finger with the knife, got juice in my eye, sugar spilled and broke the pitcher – Fuckin’ lemons!!

Oh, here’s a pic of my new haircut. I love it!!!

Stress Anyone?

I've about had it this week!!! Between getting my period, which was so NOT a happy occasion and the Fibro madness and fighting amongst my family...I've just about reached my boiling point! None of this helps keep the Fibro pain from taking over and no one in my house seems willing to try to work together. The house is a damned disaster, laundry's piled up, kids are fighting about anything and everything and my mom is about as unhappy as I've ever seen her. I wish Calgon really could just "take me away".

Today started out so promising, too. Maybe that's why it's so stupidly annoying that it has really gone down the crapper tonight. I got up early & drove my mother to work, got a delicious cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee, did a little shopping then Harley & I went to The Angry Chair (www.theangrychair.com) and we both got our hair cut & colored (I'll post pics of my new hair when I'm sure not to be baring my teeth in anger). Somewhere between coming home & picking up Chinese food all hell broke loose. W-T-F!!!!!!!

UGH, some days I have to remind myself that it would be against the law to strap people to the front of my car & use it like a battering ram ;o) ESPECIALLY when the constant stress of playing mediator eventually causes my Fibro to kick in. God! I can't wait to go see this damned specialist. I need something to manage this pain & fogginess.

Oh by the way, if you know me in the real world, my new hair will probably cause a slight case of panic followed by "what was she thinking". Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis or something, but I just really needed to have a change & boy-oh-boy did I make one! I think I just needed to feel like my old self...spunky & a little bit hard core. LOL Anyway, I'm off to drop the kids off at the movies & then will be dropping myself into bed (finally).

The Bitch is IN

So, it’s finally Friday. OMG, I never thought that it would get here. I’m having serious doubts about my 4 day work week set up (I work 4 10-hour days). I switched my day off to Wednesday because I thought it would give me a good break during the week, so I wouldn’t get so tired. BUT, it really is like having a 2nd Monday when I have to go back to work on Thursday…I swear it makes the week feel longer. I don’t know…I’ll give it a few more weeks to see if it eases up, I guess.

This week, particularly Wed – Today have been miserable. We have a little crisis going on at home (nothing for anyone to worry about) and the stress is killing me…literally. Have you ever watched something implode in slow motion? Well, that pretty much sums up how I’m feeling the last few days…like I just want to fold into myself. My upper arms feel like Andre’ the Giant punched me (I keep looking to see if I have bruises, but I don’t) and everything else for the most part feels like I’ve been doused with kerosene and lit on fire. Doesn’t make for being very comfortable.

Of course, the lack of sleep this week has been most enjoyable…NOT! On Tuesday afternoon, I took a class on naming Data Elements in our company’s systems and thought that between the Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS), my head literally nodding & my eyelids feeling like they had 10 lb weights attached to them, I was going to lose my mind. Even Fibro-fog can’t block out that damned RLS, which is kind of a newer symptom that I have to talk to my doc about. FUN for me!! I swear on Tuesday, if I could have, I would have chopped my own legs off with a rusty butterknife!

Sometimes this whole thing gets pretty discouraging. Looking at the big picture, and realizing that I have my whole life to live with this shit really makes me want to rethink my position on Dr. Kevorkian. Oh, don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything stupid (well death-wise anyway LOL), just tired, frustrated & bitchy.

Well, I’m gonna go now. If you see a crazy woman running around plastered with Icy-Hot patches…don’t call the cops…it’s just me ;o)

The Friend Factor

Living with Fibro can feel pretty lonesome at times. Feelings of isolation, combined with the symptoms of Fibro, CFS, IBS, etc can be wickedly overwhelming. When I’m in a full flare, I tend to want to hide myself away from everyone…family, friends, even my doctors. I think I do this for a lot of reasons. I don’t want to depress everyone. I’m afraid they’ll think I’m just whining and truthfully, there are times when just being civil is really a tremendous effort. When I’m in pain, I tend to lash out & morph from my normally bitchiness to the Uber Bitch from Hell. My kids run in fear, even my dogs seem to know.

This is where my friends always seem to shine the brightest. I have one particular friend, we’ll call her Peanut, that is ALWAYS there. She listens to me bitch and complain about my bazillion aches & pains that she has heard countless times before. I can say things to her that I can’t say to anyone else. I think one of the things I appreciate the most is that I don’t have to filter my thoughts with her. She doesn’t get alarmed if I get a little dramatic and doesn’t panic if I cry (although in the beginning, I think she was shocked to know that I COULD cry). She just listens and offers VGH’s (Very Gentle Hugs). I can’t ever, in any way, describe how much she means to me!

What’s funny, is that Peanut & I hated each other for the first 4 or 5 years that we knew each other. I don’t know what really happened, but magically we just…bonded, I guess. We’re extremely different from each other. I love tattoos, heavy metal, beer & pasta salad and she hates them. She likes Rush (the band), white wine & the Phillies (although she does like the Red Sox too so I’ll keep her). She’s the peanut to my butter…ok, yes, that was corny LOL.

I have many other friends, too, like Teresa who lifts me up when I fall down. Teresa seems to know exactly what to say to make me smile & just loves me for me…bitchiness, pain and all. I can’t even begin to name the people who have stood beside me during this…friends in the real world and friends on Facebook. Heather, Aunt Carol, MesaRose, Kelley, Judy my sister in Bitchology, Becky, Evelyn…the list goes on.

Without these treasures in my life, I would have pretty much shriveled up and faded away by now. I know that every one of them would sit beside me in a jail cell saying, “Damn, that was fun!”. I value every single one of them (and hope no one is offended if they weren’t mentioned by name …I’m sure you will be at one time or another). I pray that I’m as good a friend to them and bring them the same love, humor and support that they bring me.

Just another Fibro Monday

Well, it's Monday again...damn it :) Another night with less than 3 hours of sleep (again). I, personally, think that Mondays should be illegal! Who the heck thought Monday was a good idea??!!

So, woke up this morning with a headache and the normal aches and pains, I think it took me 20 minutes to get out of bed. LOL, that's actually pretty quick; sometimes it takes me a full half hour to do it. I wonder if we can make that an Olympic sport? Imagine watching that on Monday nights instead of football.

Can't wait to see the new specialist on the 14th. Yes...ANOTHER doctor *sigh* (or as Peanut would say "le sigh"). I'm tired of being poked & prodded even though I know that I need to see them. Hopefully I'll remember what I want to tell the doctor. With the "fog", I don't know. Maybe I should start writing stuff down, but then I'd probably forget where I put the paper or that I even wrote it down at all *shaking head, laughing at self*.

I've been thinking a lot about this blog and what I do and don't want it to be. I don't want it to be just a place to bitch about my pain, etc. or complain about how nobody understand what I'm going through or the anger that I feel when my body betrays me. Not to say that there probably won't be some of that because, truthfully, there are days when that's all I see. I do want this to be about hope and truth and humor in the midst of pain. As Henry Ward Beecher said, "Good humor makes all things tolerable".

I found this quote a couple of years ago...

"When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful". ~Barbara Bloom

Well, hot damn! I should be Cindy f'ing Crawford by now! Just kidding, I really like the idea that the more trials & pain that I manage to survive will just make me that much more of a better person. It's just really hard to see that sometimes, ya know?

So, of to work I go. Let's see if I can remember all my passwords today ROFLMAO

WTF is going on?! (Back to the beginning)

In the summer of 2009, my family went through an extremely traumatic experience with one of the kids that we had taken in. To make an extremely long & painful story a little shorter, we found out that he was physically and sexually abusing my 2 Miniature Schnauzers (Yawkey & Brady) amongst other things. The situation deteriorated to the point that we had to get a restraining order against this boy, but still had to live in the house with him until we were finally able to go to court to get his sorry ass evicted (you wouldn't believe how many more rights perpetrators have than victims!).

During this time, I began to experience severe muscle and joint pain. My skin would burn & tingle; I had migraines all the time and would go days & days with no sleep. At first I chalked it up to depression, but I know the difference between the mild achey feeling that comes with depression & the all-inclusive, overwhelming pain that I was in, so finally out of desperation, I went to my doctor. OH, what a freakin' fun time that was! I've never been one to go to the doctor unless I was ill, but all of a sudden I was at his office every darned week. Every visit began something like this..."Let's talk about your mood". MY MOOD!@#$ My mood was tired, frustrated & pissed. I kept telling him that it was more than just my "mood". So they scared the shit out of me and sent me for every test imaginable. I was tested for cancer, AIDS, thyroid, Lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, you name it...I was tested for it.

The kicker was that all the tests kept coming back normal. By this time, I was out of work on medical leave and my family & doctors thought I was either lazy or crazy. The breaking point with my doctor came when he said, once again "I think it's just your mood". BOOM!!! I yelled (well croaked because I had no voice for several months) & replied that if he told me one more time that this was "just my mood" I'd smack him. Luckily for me, he's known me since I was 18 & took it in stride. Finally, he said that there was nothing he could do for me & referred me to a rheumatologist.

Meanwhile, my mom & kids (I had 2 other kids we had taken in at the time) were, by turns, scared, confused and frustrated. I couldn't make myself get up to clean, do laundry or make dinner. I felt like a failure as a mom, a daughter & a friend. I didn't leave the house except to go to doctor's appointments & pretty much avoided even speaking to people. Trying to explain it was too difficult & almost embarassing.

Well, the day that I met with Dr. Manning was amazing. He spent a full hour just talking to me & listened intently to everything I said. Then he told me that I have Fibromyalgia. Not really knowing what that was, I was so relieved to have a name to put to this BS. It really wasn't all in my head. I blubbered on his shoulder for what seemed like forever. He told me that I was completely sane (my kids will argue that LOL) and that he wanted to help me. *insert angelic voices & trumpets here*

Just having someone validate that I really was ill & not crazy was so liberating. Didn't take the pain away, but at least I finally had an answer. I'm still struggling to come to grips with the Fibro and so is my family. After further discussions with Dr. Manning, he figures that I've probably had the Fibro for 5-7 years, but it was kind of sitting there like a gremlin just waiting for a good reason to show itself and the stressful situation we went through was enough to let it out of the cage.

Well This is New

Not too sure how this will work out and what it may or may not grow into. My fight with Fibro/CFS is an ongoing struggle to learn about the disease and also about myself.

My name is Jeannie and I'm a 39 year old mother of a teenaged son, Harley. I decided to start this blog as a way to share my experiences with Fibro and, I guess as a kind of therapy of my own. One thing Fibro has done, is leave me feeling very alone in this fight.

I will warn those who may decide to read this blog, that I tend to be on the sarcastic/snarky side and sometimes the filter on my mouth (fingers?) malfunctions. To my friends & family, I'm known to be pretty opinionated & somewhat bitchy (Peanut you can stop laughing now ;o)...OK, OK...I'm super bitchy and majorly snarky. BUT, I'm also honest & tend to try to see the humor in things...even Fibro.

Well, this should be interesting anyways...